I was gonna stay in bed all day and sleep the day away with Mike……as if this day seven years ago never happened. I then read a Facebook post my daughter Hannah wrote and decided i would write instead. I really do know by now that sticking your head in the sand does not really work LOL

Today seven years ago after noon i received the call that Mike had been shot. No other details given. This will be a short version. At the hospital I am told Mike was shot in the head and brain matter was coming out and that he would die….read the statistics on living after this, or having any kind of quality of life.

A lot has happened the last seven years. It has been a looonnngggg and difficult journey, and will continue to be. A road most can not relate to and I am honestly so thankful for that. I would never wish this life on anyone. I know it could be worse blah blah blah, but to us it has been devastating. Things were lost that can not be rebuilt, or bought again. This did not happen to our stuff. It happened to Mike’s body and mind. It has impacted those that love Mike and have been there mentally. I have literally wiped Mike’s brains off his face. Then watch my children in tears as I threw it in the trash can……they feared those could have been memories of them. So yeah, we have all been changed by this.

I could write on and on about the hardships, breakdowns, tears, challenges, even how so many leave you….but instead after seven years i am gonna share what I have learned through all this and continue to learn. It has taken me this long to accept this is “our new normal”. I finally own this journey, and i feel like Mike does too.

#1 God remains the same, God has unconditional love, God comforts, God heals, God provides, GOD NEVER LEAVES!!!!!!! Without Him I would not be here writing this morning. I 100% know I would be dead, or in a mental institution……BUT when i am weak that is when I am strong BECAUSE that is when we call on our heavenly Father and let Him take the wheel. There is no navigation system like my Jesus to lead and guide the way.

#2 You need your village…..no matter how small! I could not do what i have to do without Hannah, Noah, mom, and dad. They are the reason people have called me superwoman. Love them and hold them close. Your village will be your backbone when needed.

#3 I am loyal, I am faithful, I keep covenants, I Love big, I forgive big, I have an extreme amount of empathy, I am tough, I am strong, I am hard-headed, I am a problem solver, I know without a shadow of a doubt that God has me!

#4 MENTAL HEALTH MATTERS! In our situation there was never enough education or follow up on mental health. Talk to someone…a therapist, friend, pastor. Medications at times are needed. I grew up in a time wear you are supposed to pull yourself up by your boots straps and get going……or put on your big girl panties. I am here to tell you that tragedy changes your brain chemistry…..no boots or panties will help! Yes call on Jesus, but i believe the Lord gave us people that are smart and can provide help when we need it. So do not feel like medication is weakness. It is strong to realize you need some help and to get it……IT IS VITAL!

#5 DO NOT STOP LIVING! Life may look way different, but hold on to things you enjoy and love. Find ways to incorporate them. KEEP MOVING! KEEP DREAMING!

#6 Get healthy or stay healthy. Diet and exercise are truly a game changer in our physical and mental health. Do not neglect yourself in either.

#7 Life is still going to be full of different seasons. So get on that surf board and surf. A wave will inevitably knock you off the board. A storm will come and change the day….but guess what….we will feel the sun on our face again… we will see the rainbow….if we stop and take a look around us we will see how beautiful this life can still be! Look for love, peace, joy, and happiness in every day. DO NOT WAIT FOR SPECIAL OCCASIONS. We are not promised tomorrow so soak in that sunshine, gazing at the stars, that love from your pooch, the laughter and smiles from children, a meal with parents, that cup of coffee, that good book, that chat with a friend……all those little things we forget to thank Him for…those my friends are the big things.

The cell phone has made life so much easier. We can send a quick message when we are unable to talk. How great we can make a call at the grocery to ask if we need bread, etc. We can call for help if we are in an accident, or help someone else. We can reach people anywhere, at any time. We can stay connected to friends, and family in our busy lives. We can share photos, and videos so no one misses a thing. We can watch live events of about anything…..i love the ones of my grands being adorable, and funny. We can encourage others, and share the goodness of God.

On the flip side…..does anyone else find these devices a burden at times? It makes us accessible 24/7. Can we even take a shower without a call or notification? I must admit i miss the home phone days a lot lately! I am thankful I got to grow up without the devices. Someone asked me the other day if I could change one thing I did raising my kids. I instantly said NO PHONES. I firmly believe now looking back, that it takes more than it gives.

I feel like the screens are a thief of many things. How many relationships have been neglected or ruined with the aid of this device. How much precious family time has been lost? We can never get those moments back. Have you ever been in a room and every face was in a screen?

I am in no way saying it is all bad. We all get to choose how we utilize things. If you are like me though I find myself in excess at times. It even causes anxiety at times never having a break from this gadget. I think we all have been guilty of ignoring others in the room while being on our phones……people right in front of us wanting our attention. How many moments have been lost with our children?

How much better could we make our real lives while mindlessly scrolling……stepping on my own toes! How much cleaner could my home be….i could organize what i complain about…..I could be trying those new recipes i screenshot……how many more meaningful conversations could I have with people that really love me…..how many games could I play with the kids and grands……how many more prayers could I send up……how many more books could I read…..how much healthier could I be……how much more word of God could I hide my heart. I can not even imagine how much better I would sleep with this gadget locked away at bedtime.

I am in not way preaching to anyone. These are all things i need to work on. Don’t you love the days you are enjoying life so much that you forget all about your phone. You do not even get it out. I woke up this morning determined that this phone is not gonna be a jail cell for me anymore….causing anxiety and stress. The phone should be a tool we use not our life line.

I will keep you all posted on how this is going for me finding balance. Let me know the same, if it is something you are working on as well. Here is to spending more time in real life, and not being accessible 24/7. Here is to using the phone as a way to better my real life, not to be life.

Has 2020 & 2021 been absolutely nuts for everyone? I am so excited for the hope that 2022 holds. So over feeling like life is walking in a desert in quicksand. Excited at the thought of a new year. Ready for a walk through the daisies. Even a plain old regular year would be great. I find it ironic how we notice all the little things that are so easily taken for granted during tragedy, and complete loss…..why are we like this? Or maybe it is just me. Living a TBI life has made me have empathy to a new degree…..but WHY did it take a gunshot wound to the head. I feel like i was always a good person….but man loss takes ya to a whole other level.

Two weeks left of 2021. What do you plan to do with it? I want to end it the way i hope to begin the new year. I plan to continue to get better….spiritually, mentally, and physically. It is so easy to lose yourself. I say i have the last five years, but the truth is it started at about 20 years old. As a woman we begin to take on the world….husbands, kids, jobs, college, etc. etc.and we begin to disappear little by little each year. I have done a lot of self work the last six months and was in awe of how much i have stopped doing things I use to love and get so much joy in doing. I went to see Kenny G last month, and it was a reminder of how much music was a huge part of my life and it had disappeared. It was an eye opener of how much i missed friends…..i swear girl time is vital….why do we let that go????? I forgot how much i really like to exercise. I use to write almost daily…..journaling, books, even music. I am sure others can relate, and if you can not PLEASE share with young women what you did or do……i am 43 and just finding who Heather really is again.

I in no way am saying we should just worry about ourselves…..we just need to remember we matter to. At the end of the day we are gonna be stuck with ourselves, and are deserving of those things that bring happiness and joy. It is important to surround yourself with people who are supporting of your growth. Those that support who you are ….who you really are!

I think of all the things I have done in life that are what everyone else wanted. Trying to make everyone else happy will leave you empty. Can we really have it all though? Can we have the husbands, kids, jobs, etc. and still have ourself? My 43 year old self votes YES!!!!! But it will take being intentional. It is gonna take planning. Which i plan to do more of for ME. When i am better that is gonna benefit all of those close to me, and those I come in contact with. I am gonna start being VITAL to me! I can love and serve those God has entrusted me with, and still be Heather Renee that He created.

I challenge everyone who reads this to realize you are VITAl! Analyze yourself…..who are you? What makes YOU happy? What\Who brings YOU joy? What have you not done in forever that you enjoy so much? Do something you have never done! Do those things you sat on the back burner for so long. Find YOUR purpose! Join me in some 2022 growing.

Does anyone else have to be so intentional, about getting all the important things accomplished? About five years ago when I was working, raising multiple children, ministry, etc. It made sense to me why I had to be so intentional with my time. After Mike was shot and we finally made it home, and I was his 24/7 caregiver I was home……should there not be all this time…..the need to have to be so intentional would disappear……WRONG!

The last few years have taught me A LOT!!!!! I am still a student in this life, but the last few years felt like throwing someone unable to swim into the ocean…….sink or swim baby…….lets just say I learned to doggy paddle lol

The world is in a crazy place right now. It has just been on my heart heavy to get back to being intentional. It is so easy to let our word life slip right by us. I am guilty….past and present. We can all name the things that kept us from that time of sitting down and opening our Bible. For me it was usually I was just plain tired from all the other stuff that I had put first, or let distract me from it.

Have you ever went to pray….. me today!!!!!!! The phone rings 3 times…..Zeus (Great Dane) is chasing Lenore (Persian Cat), ADT alarm keeps alarming someone is in the backyard…..it seems to be 100 degrees in my offices……The devil wants us to be like just forget it! But the spirit within me is telling me to push thru cause the devil does not want me and Jesus doing any buisness today. I have news for him…..I was intentional even though there were a million distractions, and we met.

How about our service? Our sharing the gospel, our testimony? Our Purpose? Theses all get hard for me because the devil likes to use I am stuck at home what can I do…..But while I was being intentional today in my word and prayer the Lord reminded me of my gifts, and that I just need to step out ………AND BE INTENTIONAL!!!!!!!

I pray we will all become more intentional. Distractions are so often from the devil……sometimes self inflicted too. Jesus is coming soon, and I wanna be ready……and not just for me. I want to be able to be used of God to help others be ready. I want to make sure as many souls get to go to heaven as I have access to lead. God is so good!!!! I am praying for you all, please pray for me. xoxoxoxo

It has been awhile since I have been on my blog. So I find myself sitting behind my pencil, and paper thinking…..what do people need, or want to read. I so often just write for therapy, or self expression. So this may end up being ALOT of Ramblings of Heather LOL

The last few months my mind has felt like a tornado and hurricane colliding. I am sure many can relate. Life can be so hard sometimes! I view life as a journey, and I feel like our family is in a rugged mountain terrain season…..trying to safely make our way through. We carefully plan, and take each step. I pay close attention to each tiny detail, as any major mistake can be very costly to our family. Where do you feel like you are in life’s journey?

Being a caregiver 4.5 years 24/7 can feel like a pressure cooker……no matter how willing, or much love is involved. My top finally blew…..it was ugly! I had to stop and take a real hard look at myself in the mirror. I had to wake up and realize I had to take care of me again. I am still working on finding balance in my mind, and with my body. I am now trying though! Can anyone relate to giving it all to everyone else, and completely losing yourself?

I have really been looking at mental health and its importance. It is not talked about enough. I feel like many of us grew up in the PUT YOUR BIG GIRL PANTIES ON generation. You just suck it up, and keep on going. I have found there are life events that just does not work for. Those times you could care less you have panties, little lone putting any on…..can I get an AMEN! Tragic events that rock you to your core, and wreck your whole world. The times that make your chest hurt so bad you can not breath. Please feel oh so blessed if you have no clue what I am talking about. +

I say all of that to say after 4.5 years I needed help. I saw my doctor and started Wellbutrin. I have been on it for about 1.5 months, and I already feel so much better. I share this because it is something I would have hidden in the past. I would have felt weak, even embarrassed that I could not get it all together all on my own. There is no shame in getting help. It is courageous. I take a blood pressure pill, so why the stigma….I thank God for giving men and women knowledge to understand how our brain works, and how tragedy and life events effect its chemicals.

I am blessed with a tiny group of friend/sisters. If you have one you are blessed…..love, and lean on them, and return the favor. I have no clue what I would do without mine. God is so good!!!! Seek help if you need it!!!! It takes strength to ask!!!! YOU GOT THIS, CAUSE GOD HAS YOU!!!!!!!

My initial thought today was to write on 2020…. the good bad, and all that has been learned…..lost. As I began to think on this, a scripture came to mind.

Finally, brethren, whatsoever things are true, whatsoever things are honest, whatsoever things are just, whatsoever things are pure, whatsoever things are lovely, whatsoever things are of good report, if there be any virtue, and if there be any praise, think on these things. Philippians 4:8

This scripture shifted my focus, so I made a list of all those things that came to my mind. I hope you will too!

After 22 years of marriage we finally made wills. We have talked about it forever. I am proud in 2020 we got that accomplished.

2020 has brought days with Mila Grace (our 1 1/2 year old granddaughter). Her smile can brighten the gloomiest day. It has been amazing to watch her learn and grow this year.

The first of 2020 I was in some life altering counseling sessions. I am forever thankful for godly advice, and tools that can be used to move forward.

2020 has brought a lot of time with Noah (our 15 year old son). We have made some memories this year, and laughed a lot. I can see Noah growing up, this year especially. Our fly swatter sword fights have been a highlight lol.

We got to take a two week vacation early summer. We were in Gulf Shores, Alabama…..and then on to Kissimmee, Florida. This was Mila’s first beach trip. It was also a time to catch up with some of our great friends in both places. This vacation provided a much needed break away, and a time to reset.

This year I was blessed to get reconnected with an old friend. Life kept us apart way to long. I am thankful for forever friends.

This year brought our boy Zeus. He is a Great Dane. We have hope, of him eventually becoming a service dog for Mike……but as for now he is my big baby. Zeus has got me up and moving more this year. He has made my life better.

We bought a new home this year. It is perfect for us. As I am typing in my office right now that I spend so much time in……I love it!!!!!

2020 brought me a surgery I am now so thankful for. I am feeling so much better. I am praising the Lord I am healthy.

A beautiful miracle also arrived this year. Madilyn Claire was born!!!!! The pure and innocent newborn is such a joy to be apart of. Excited to watch this little grow.

Praise the Lord Hallelujah we are done with work comp!!!!!!!!!!!!

This year has provided me with time to grow closer to God, and work on rediscovering myself.

I am excited for what is left to come in 2020. I plan to continue my focus on what is true, honest, just, pure, lovely, good report, virtue, and praise. My prayer is that you will to. It will provide peace focusing on the highs. I would love to hear some of yours.

My tears I hide

Hidden tears when you wake, of gratitude to God.

Hidden tears as I place the brace, and assist you up to walk.

Hidden tears as I place those pills, out for you to take.

Hidden tears while you shower, praying you keep your dignity.

Hidden tears as you hold on to me, while going up and down the stairs.

Hidden tears when I hand to you your hemi-cane, and follow close by.

Hidden tears, as you can never be left alone.

Hidden tears when your disability check comes, you are to young for this.

Hidden tears when others do not understand, this roller coaster ride.

Hidden tears when you can not see, what is so plain to me.

Hidden tears for all the loss, and pains you face.

Hidden tears as you sleep, I fear you may not wake.

Hidden tears, that I get to have hidden tears.

If we are not careful in life, it is easy for our mindset/focus to pick up on the negative. It becomes easy to dwell on the hurts, and pains. We waste a lot of time and energy on who/what is gone.

I would like to write today about who stays. A lot of life is lost on who left. I am not referring to a job change, a new church, moving, etc. etc. I am talking about who stayed in your life…..those connections that never get lost. Those people who love you, they may see you once every ten years…..but they love and support you. The people who good or bad, happy or sad…..they are solid in your life. An offense does not keep them away. It is a reliable relationship full of respect, care, and love. They listen to understand. They provide protection, and a safe place……no walking on eggshells. The ones that stay are trustworthy, honest, empathetic, and loyal to name a few. The ones that stay clap when you win. The ones that stay want the happiest and best life that God has purposed for you.

So as I am spending much more of my time focusing on who stays, I pray you will too. Instead of racking our brain on why Susie Q left, or is no longer in touch……just leave it alone.. If your heart is pure, and conscience is clear……release them. Spend your life on loving and supporting who stays. I am trying to be more intentional on texting, calling, blessing, etc. those who are a staple in my life. So join me in focusing on who stays, and return to them the beauty they share. Your tribe/village is a blessing from God, give it your effort, energy, and enthusiasm. They are worth it!!!! They stayed!!!!